does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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