Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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