Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
