That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
