Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
