How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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