someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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