i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
