Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
