How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
