I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Randomize
