The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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