yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
