Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I fill condoms, not promises.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
The struggles of a small town man whore
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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