i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
