What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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