listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
