She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
