youre lurking in front of me
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
