I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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