someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
