Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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