I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
