how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
