I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize