Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
