My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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