i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
