This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize