If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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