but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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