is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
