and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
