Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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