I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so let's talk penis.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
