I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
