His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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