Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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