New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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