Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
