i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
