I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
