You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
