Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
