I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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