you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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