My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
