Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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