You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't deserve a penis
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
