just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize