You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
