I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
