saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
