Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
