I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
