thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
