We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
