don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
