Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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