I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
