A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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