Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
pop tarts are not kleenex
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
