then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
